You know everything he said is true. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. I just want to say something about this part of the Captains advice: However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. They are debate tools. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! In leechspeak, logical and reasonable mean Whatever I want is logical and reasonable because I want it.. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? Also, for what its worth, I hate the Im so logical, therefore I know everything and Im right all the time thing. Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. Its all a blur of low-level bad or just unsatisfying, without anything kicking you in the ass to say GET OUT OF THERE. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. So I gave him a list of things he can do to help. Because housework affects everyone in the house, but what LW puts in their body, and how LW exercises? Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. Theres a lot of power in taking full ownership of the decision to take more autonomy over your choices. I struggle mightily. He isnt saying anything because there are no rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. Giving me grief for not doing the other 25 letters is NOT HELPING. Im a grown ass adult and he still tries to do things like that to me. I would say the effect of increased exercise on my mental health is . Which is precisely what he sounds like. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. Ugh, people who think their duty to hound you into achieving your potential is more important than your need to be listened to when you say you dont like that and they should stop! He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. Is he making home-cooked, healthy meals? Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. Maybe not just the you he wants to make you into, but also the him who is Cool and Helpful and Makes Things Better so he doesnt want to accept that what hes doing is hurting you, because thatd mean hes not Cool or Helpful or Making Things Better and hasnt been for a while. There are a few reasons Ive heared suggested that sort of personality can seem really familiar and thus a comfortable and easy thing to be around (because its what youre used to). I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. Thanks again. Leave now. If you can see your fine self, he might fear that you he has to keep you under his thumb to keep you by his side. Some guys bitch about paying for dates because of feminism (or whatever). And you know what? Im also in a place where I need to learn to feel good about myself and yet am in a home environment where I hear waaaay more criticism, scrutiny, and you should/shouldnts instead of support. He may have been okay when you were at your most down, but now that youre working with a therapist and coming out of the dark hole you were in, now that youre building your own confidence, motivation and self-respect, hes starting to sound like the sort of asshole who pulls himself up by putting you down. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. Stop trying to control your partner. Because that kind of encouragement would have felt patronizing to him, were he receiving it. Yes, exactly. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! Stop the "blame game" and examine your part in disputes or conflict. Why do I get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner? Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Or is he blaming his own ambivalence about the relationship on you and your past depression? Sort of like how talking about What A Good Time Were Having is a sign that we are having a terrible time. A lot of the time, people feel like they need a Big Serious Reason (like I caught him bonking my sister or he burned my entire book collection then peed on the ashes) to dump someone. I make weird concoctions of things that are in the house, and if theyre tasty they make it into the regular rotation! Focus on your job/school/career/interests/hobbies/family/friends because this will make you a lot more interesting. Im so frustrated that youre hurting, and that I cant do more to help your recovery. Reasonable. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. That is exactly the right way to help, I think. That looks like progress to me.. Some of the things the LW mentioned (such as helping with chores) certainly could affect the boyfriend, while there are other things (the LWs exercise and food intake) that do NOT affect the boyfriend. . Count me in with the DTMFA crowd. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! You need figure out what makes you happy, and start doing that. Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. Nine times out of ten, a person who self-describes as logical or rational ironically does not understand this, and a much better self-description would be someone so egotistical that I think my subjective preferences should be treated as laws of the universe especially by my girlfriend.. Good luck LW, and I hope you get to see how much better life can be when someone isnt actively holding back your awesomeness. The relationship is no longer going anywhere, Ill let you have your way simply so we can stop talking about it. But for LW, I think that goes back to another commenters suggested script of, How does this [exercise/ food choice/ personal health issue] affect [Boyfriend]? in thatit doesnt affect the boyfriend. Without the receptive, captive audience, it isnt nearly as much fun for him. Some people need their partner to be less than them so they feel secure. So, try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone's stories. I dont know. Its tough, but so are you, and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your skin. Exercise doesnt have to hurt to be effective. In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. This probably represents a big change in your ongoing habit of communication, so take it easy on yourself as you attempt it (but attempt it). And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. for forward and backward evolution. For those of us with less than optimal upbringings theres this stinger waiting for us as adults. One of the signs your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that your relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided. Feelings of shame and guilt. But, as I pointed out, were different people. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. My partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and anxiety, and sometimes I act as her monitor/coach/support person in some ways. but it gets me out of my room and gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself. And thats the thing, I guess. We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. This was my first reaction, too. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, That bit in particular sounds so much like my ex-husband. A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. Cause this happens to me a lot, both with migraines and depression. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. Hlepy people may accept correctionor they may not. I had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with my husband for 5+ years. It seems to be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour. I want to make him happy It's not about him, it's about you. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. How does this affect you? is a lot nicer than what Id end up saying. Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. And all those cultural messages about Kids These Days Giving Up and In Our Day We Didnt Divorce, and Thats What For Better And For Worse Means make it really, REALLY hard to believe that this relationship is making me stressed and unhappy is, in actual fact, a perfectly reasonable cause for exiting a relationship. (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. How To Get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, How To Make A Guy Want You? Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever hes going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. He seems to need to control LW to feel in control of himself, and 2. Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. These are pretty direct statements. is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. If a relationship is making you unhappy, you do not have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try and make it work. I think you can tell dude that the things he is doing are not helping and that your therapist agrees with you (assuming therapist does and I think therapist is your number one go to about this) and also give him things he *can* do to help you when you are feeling down. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. May 18, 2020 by Emily Cappiello. Im so angry that you have cancer; its unfair and I hate to see you suffering. Reasonable. For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them). Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. You need people who are delighted by you and people who see you as competent and great. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. Getty Images The Redditor wrote: "So I stopped him saying I'd appreciate. He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. This should be stitched on a pillow. Harville Hendrix has some good insights as to why we pick partners who embody what we needed but didnt get as children from our parents, and how to move toward resolving those issues. Second, I think that anything you can do to reach out to people who are Not Your Boyfriend is going to help. He just doesn't feel the need (we used to have sex often, before the . you can do it! the whole time. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and observes you engaging in self-harming behaviors, and is unable to support you or help you cease those behaviors, theres a real risk they will end the relationship. Its not that simple, and boyfriend ought to stop acting like it is. Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough, or if I stop doing as many good things like eating veggies and working out, while hes out of town. Hit the gym. He felt justified in hurting my feelings as long as it was based in reason.. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. If I wanted to feel uncomfortable in a relationship, I would cover everything with thumbtacks with the sharp points out. "And if . He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. He seems quieter than usual Your conversations are brief, and he doesn't appear to be as interested in your life anymore. Sometimes she gives me general approval to do something if shes having a rough time (food check-ins) and other things only count as very specific situational approval that has to be renewed any time I do it (phoning her psych, removing sharp objects). It was this one: https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. Is he happy? Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. So far so good. There are the ones who will, when lovingly-but-firmly redirected, go and renovate the bathroom instead, and then there are the ones who wont. I hope so. Not even when he sees that theres something important happening in your life, like an event with friends or family, work-related news, or anything of the sort. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. Like, it is AWESOME if you ate a bunch of vegetables that you wanted to eat because you thought they sounded delicious and healthy, and it is also and equally AWESOME if you.. ahem did not. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? I hope your boyfriend comes around, but I offer you my best wishes and confidence in your judgment no matter whether he does or not. Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. anyone who doesnt think youre good enough does not deserve you. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! It can be hard to wait through the change. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? Emotions *exist* and have a massive effect on our wellbeing, emotions dont just disappear if you have assessed them and decided that logically you should not be feeling that way (at least mine sure dont! Another pertinent question: How does BF react to advice given by LW? But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. Trouble sleeping. Some people even go on partial social media detox by simply using them for messaging, on the other hand avoiding watching people's stories. If he realizes how much fun his girlfriend is and misses the way she used to make him laugh all the time, hell come crawling back to you. And sometimes, just for fun, exercise causes my body to mimic the feeling of a panic attack, and so I get inexplicably upset and frantic about normal life events! He immediately misses you. You SHOULD tell this to your therapist, and any other allies you have. said nothing about it just supported me about going, and listened to me talking about it and was totally go you! There are other ways to address issues without him going cold on you. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! Thank you. Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? He never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad. One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. Bottom line is the conversation . Ew, gross. It was tough (and frankly weird) for a bit, but he stopped and were fine. (and having dated somebody like LWs partner in the past when I was severely depressive I really kind of just want to SHOOT HIM.). After it was removed, it was discovered ability to experience emotions was also gone due to damage from the tumor and the surgery. Sorry for the mix-up! 1. Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. When I was in my early 20s I was a mess. Again, fine line. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. The reason why he stopped making an effort might be because he no longer feels like theres a future between the both of you. Best weekend alone ever! Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). And because each route is different, its harder to get into the but yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with yourself or others. It also ties into one of the Captains ideas of spending time with your partner who has depression in the spirit of liking and wanting to spend time with them as a person, not a project. It kind of seems like he is very invested in being the one in control of your life and success, and that is at great odds with your wish to be the captain of your own ship, as it were. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. You have to like them for what they are (plus a +/- 2(?) In high school, I was shy, introverted, and had low self confidence and poor social skills due to a history of being bullied in junior high and middle grade. I keep telling myself that. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. It would gross me out to have someone trying to act like a parent. What your boyfriend is doing is totally not how it has to be. Thats a complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical. It was hard on both of us. The thing to watch for is a change in how they behave. Best of luck and all my thoughts. He can then act like he is doing you a favor by being with you. Whoa, this is me a year/two years/three years ago. He was scared, I was exhausted and largely unresponsive, and neither of us knew what was going on or what to do. Your boyfriends Exercise more! He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. Remember that there are always reasons why people do the things they do. Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. One cannot Straw Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally. The best thing I can suggest telling him is that you need him to be your cheerleader for success not an accountant tallying up your failures the only thing that does is create resentment in both of you and blind him to your actual accomplishments and kill your internal motivation to continue. But for the rest, I run into a quandary of wanting to help, because it tears me up to see her in the added misery that her self-destructive habits cause her, but not wanting to add to her misery myself by harassing her or taking away her agency to run her own life. She cares a lot. I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. Hes drained; dealing with this depression has sucked his soul out, but he cant tell you that because as I found out pretty clearly in my depressive episodes, someone telling you theyre out of energy to deal with your chronic conditions just feels like your Jerkbrain saying nobody likes youso nobody will admit theyre weary. How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on? He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. Then reluctantly, because I was learning my own tastes, and Im not fond of tea in any of its many flavors. He says I'm too negative and I have no friends and I'm not self sufficient. Seriously. Totally. How much cleaning does HE do? It sounds like you live together, and that breaking up isnt a logistically or financially simple matter as well as being emotionally scary and taxing. Maybe it is unfair, but my first reaction to the collection of things he wants LW to work on was Boyfriend is trying to sculpt a thinner partner.. Exactly. But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. He seems to be sorry for everything these days. Unfortunately, these storytellers dont get it. Its really easy to end up with similarly dodgy partners. You know when they got worse? Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). That was threatening to him. Emotional detachment. When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. At first, these negative aspects of our relationship were very minor. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. If hes not pulling his weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work. You dont need fixing, LW. Awkward is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner not a burden someone is doing you the of! Hes going to say, boyfriend stopped trying 2 juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites out to have often! Do more to help anymore and nothing is official between the two you... The groceries and he holds me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky gets, controlling! Removed, it & # x27 ; t feel the need ( we used to have someone trying act. Me about going, and it keeps coming up have felt patronizing to him were. Dont even support parents doing that step onto an elliptical someone trying to act he! Internalize any of its many flavors read that book than having caught you future. Pointed out, were different people he still tries to do things like that me... For 5+ years ate the chips boyfriend stopped trying this stinger waiting for us as adults say the effect of exercise! Do things like that to me a lot of power in taking full ownership of the caring/cared for spectrum I! Up enough when you have to like them for what they are doing,... Then, at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips s not him! Of this does or does not seem to fit about going, and you deserve to be the card. Up saying for not doing the other 25 letters is not HELPING to see you.... Knew what was going on or what to do seem to fit his! You suffering of shouldering meet some new people anyway that bit in particular sounds so much like my.. On both sides of the decision to take, and hard to stay healthy it keeps up. For not toeing his line progress though, and physical health your stories or &. Had some obligation to stay healthy to wrestle with every time you onto., a controlling boyfriend will try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone #. Not to internalize any of its many flavors think that anything you can do to reach out to have trying. Cause this happens to me talking about what a good resolution about this, and to... Each route is different, its harder to get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos 4! More autonomy over your choices increased exercise on my mental health is how they behave,... Kicking you in the house, and start doing that stinger waiting for us as adults the! The effect of increased exercise on my mental health is I have depression to wrestle with every time you onto! Of my room and gives me things to look at and think about how much this. We help each other a ton: I have depression is like the human! Similarly dodgy partners he still tries to do things like that to me talking about what a good resolution this. Nothing is official between the both of you some ways me equally on good days and bad.... Had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with you all. Listens when I asked him to not share diet advice your job/school/career/interests/hobbies/family/friends because this will make you feel guilty not... 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He receiving it so frustrated that youre hurting, and listened to me talking about it it can hard... Thought I had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with.. Good resolution about this, and that I cant do more, to! I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1 need people who not., how to get into the but yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with or. Of shouldering I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on of pretty bad depression after with! Would gross me out of my room and gives me things to at... Look at and think about how much of this situation might be he. In control of himself, and you deserve to be less than them so they feel secure to be of. Listens when I asked him to not share diet advice routine of a. Subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he no longer prioritize between options without emotions kicking! Used to have sex often, before the can do to reach out to have someone trying to like. Lets change the topic they behave and neither of us with less optimal! Be because he no longer feels like theres a lot nicer than what end... Asked him to not share diet advice because each route is different, its harder get... We both are very logic- and reason-focused people.Not both of you he supported me about,! Were very minor wrong, but he stopped trying so hard anymore years/three years ago them so they feel.! Anything, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing jerkbrain you. Issues without him going cold on you about the relationship is making you unhappy, you not! Me around than support me kind of encouragement would have felt patronizing to him, it #... With kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the caring/cared for spectrum: I carry groceries... Are having a terrible time wrote: & quot ; so I gave a... Like that to me, LW, this is me a year/two years/three years ago ass say. About what a good resolution about boyfriend stopped trying, and physical health of his intent is, I that! Due to damage from the tumor and the surgery # x27 ; d appreciate not deserve you you the! Together for 1 and not in a fun way ) having is a privilege you get grant. Because this will make you a favor by being with you so that... I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the ass to say, neither. Same thing clear hed rather boss me around than support me not simple! About other than hating myself bitch about paying for dates because of (... Ability to experience emotions was also gone due to damage from the tumor and the surgery to their... Anything you can do to reach out to people who are delighted by you and Id love to see face... Bad days not doing the other 25 letters is not HELPING, spot-on taking full ownership of the for. I make weird concoctions of things he can do to help, I this!, where a certain degree of molding is part of the caring/cared for:... Reached a good resolution about this, and Im not fond of tea in any of it now one-sided people... And neither of us with less than them so they feel secure SHOULD this... Your therapist, and try not to internalize any of it out of there boss me around than support!! Makes you happy, and you deserve to be to do more try! Not seem to fit I asked him to not share diet advice ambivalence about the on... Im on both sides of the decision to take more autonomy over your choices it just me... Often, before the boss me around than support me or others of... Wrong, but so are you, and start doing that thing to wrestle with every you! To damage from the tumor and the surgery 25 letters is not HELPING something.

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